The Julio Blog

A relational resume is an overview of your family history, life stories you tell about yourself, and expectations you bring into new relationships. By understanding our own relational resume and of others, we can work on building deeper connections.

I first learned the idea of the relational resume from Esther Perel’s MasterClass on Emotional Intelligence. She believes the best way to build deeper connections is to “Understand how your past continues to inform your present, including the way you communicate, handle conflict, weigh trust against risk, and establish boundaries.”

“In relationships, you have one constant factor, and that’s you.

– Esther Perel

When building a relational resume, Esther takes you through questions. I summarized a few:

1. What do you remember about childhood? Were people always coming over? Were you looking to be independent or for connection with others?
2. What about your parents story? Did they come from abroad? How did settling in a new place effect their identity? How did they handle conflict? Would you say you handle conflict the same or not?
3. What is a story you tell others? Why? If you could break up with any part of yourself, which part would it be?
4. What expectations do you bring into new relationships? Do you jump in assertively or carefully? Has this changed over the years?

As we find understanding in our own personal experiences we can start asking people about their relational resume! Listen how others handle a conflict, create a barrier, or embrace change. Be so curious in them that there is a mutual connection felt.

Understanding your experiences and listening to those of others, you are able to find common ground. If you are like me, I feel most present when I am able to build those connections.

Actually, I had a connection like this today. I was in a jujitsu class when Stipe Miocic walked in. My partner perked up and then told me about how his son once sparred the Legend. I could tell, by his excitement and the story he told, he was a proud dad. I kick myself now for not labeling(another skill for another article). I could have said, “It sounds like your son must have been quite the fighter. You must be proud.” Better with repetitions.

Try answering through the questions with a notepad. Next time you talk to someone, maybe even ask them a few.